Soo I'm back. From Florida. Yuuppp. Back to real life, haha.
The waves, the baby sea turtles, the hanging out with family, the walking out of my room to find three extra kids in the living room almost every single day, man. We had a great time, I got a little bit of a tan, and we made some great memories.
I gotta admit, it was one tiring trip, too, but it was a nice break from reality in a way.
And now I'm back, I got tests to study for, decisions to make about which courses and tests to take (or drop, haha), not to mention church and singing and practicing and stuff like that.
Stressed? Yeah, I've learned to live with it. I know, I know, that's 'not a good thing to live with, I need to give it to God and let Him deal with my stress and just live very chill and not let anything get to me 'cause I gotta live by walking in His Spirit.'
All that jazz.
I get that I need to just 'give it to God'. But unfortunately, I'm not some kind of robot that takes orders without any thought. God gave me a brain, a life, and free will, so it's up to me what I do with it.
I've sorta had to learn the hard way that I can't be all things to all people. I can't be who you need me to be all the time. I can't be there all the time. There are some people that obviously I'll drop everything and run to help when they're in crisis, but there are others that I just can't.
You know why? Because they should know better by now. That, and it's not always appropriate. Like, I'm all for counseling/listening to a girl going through depression or just having a hard time in life, but if some guy says, "Hey I look up to you as a leader, therefore you should do X, Y, and Z," first off, that's just plain rude. Second, it's not your place. Third, is that even realistic? I've had it pretty great, good family, good church, good people to be around, but I know what it feels like to be used and manipulated and lied about. It hurts, man. Some people know why they got stabbed in the back, they can name every scar they've gotten and why it's there, I still have questions. To put it metaphysically, I look into myself, see scars and wounds and wonder why they got put there. I go through the whole, "Obviously I'm just a bad person who deserved it somehow, it's probably 'cause of that one day I just couldn't keep my mouth shut and flew off the handle, and so I'm being punished for it," or something stupid like that.
Truth is, it's not. I think God allows some things to happen that we don't understand, not because we deserve it, but because He knows we need to go through this refining process. He certainly didn't deserve the things that people did to Him, and He certainly didn't deserve the cross. So, in becoming like Christ, we go through things so that we can show people just how much God loves them, and loves us.
See, strength isn't about not breaking down. It's not about being able to carry the most. It's not about always having it together. It's not about repaying someone a hundredfold for hurting you.
Strength is about being broken, and continuing on. It's about getting stabbed, and coming back later to forgive that person who stabbed you. It's about being able to do the right thing when everyone else is doing the wrong thing and tryna get you to do it too.
I wouldn't say I'm a strong person. I break down pretty easily, I can be incredibly insecure, and I definitely don't have it all together. Just ask my best friends.
But because I know I'm not strong, I rely on Someone else to be my strength. I don't understand, but He does. I don't get it, but He does. I can't see, but He can. So, when I'm stabbed, when people turn on me, when I'm left alone, when I fall to pieces, I continue to live because I trust in a Higher Power that can repair the most broken of souls, purify the most corrupted of spirits, heal the sickest of bodies, and sees the beginning to the end.
He won't start something He's not gonna complete. You can believe that 'til the end.
So, 'giving it all to God' isn't just not worrying or thinking about your problems. You gotta deal with 'em, and you're gonna feel all stressed out. But you don't gotta do it by yourself. God'll talk to you about what to do, He'll lead you, sometimes He'll even take control and have you wondering how in the world you were able to deal with that crisis without freaking out. His hand's on your life. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be here.
Sooo to all of you going back to school, college, etc., the people who're already stressed out and barely hanging on by a thread, just know that it's not the end, and God's got a plan through all the junk and mess that you're going through. If nothing else, hang on to that.
Love you guys. God bless ya. :)
--Sonya <3
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