Random, Strung-Together Thoughts after a Failed Devo

I'm a very stream-of-consciousness kind of writer, kind of person. Sooo let's see how this goes.

That awkward moment when you have to do a devotion for your entire family, you had it all in your head, you go to do it, and those thoughts and scriptures that pierced ya to the heart at 2am two days ago all suddenly sound awkward and hollow and nonsensical and not connected AT ALL.

So, this is like, the second time in a row this kind of thing has happened. Here's some background: I was practicing to do a short mini-sermon for our youth group last Friday, and it was going good, I was feeling good about it, my dad gave me some pointers, and I felt sooo ready to tear it up that night...

And then I actually got up to give it and BAM everything I wanted to say basically packed up and left for the moon. The same thing basically happened again today when I was up for doing a family-devo (which we've just started doing since school started up again). I was ready, and BAM my notes made no sense and my mind forgot how to work.

Side note: I managed to get out basically what I wanted to say both times, but it did not go how I wanted it to go haha.

Also, I am surrounded by preachers. Literally, surrounded. My dad preaches, my mom preaches, my pastor and his wife preach and they live next door, my bro can throw down some awesome stuff (he tore up his day for family devo, btw), my sister knows how to put together a thought and say it clearly yet quietly, and the rest of 'em are just cute but can spit the Word like fire 'cause Bible Quizzing.

And then there's me. Ms. Stumbles-over-her-words. Ms. Has-a-thought-but-can't-speak-it-clearly-when-it's-time-to-give-it. Ms. Talks-in-circles. Ms. I-GOT-IT-haha-just-kidding. Ms. I'm-gonna-quote-a-verse-now-but-I'm-gonna-say-it-faster-than-any-rapper-'cause-I'm-a-Bible-Quizzer-and-didja-get-all-that? (-_-)

I feel called to preach. So why am I such a lousy preacher? Why am I such a lousy devo-giver? I'm surrounded by these amazing people, who have way better qualifications than I do, so why do I feel like God is calling me?

"Not by might, nor by power, but by MY Spirit, saith the Lord of hosts." (Zech. 4:6).

Oh, yeah. Because it's not my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, my experiences, or anything like that that 'qualifies' me. It's not so people can look at me and say, "Dude, she's a good preacher," or, "Dude, she is something else." It's not about me. It's about God. It's about letting God do His thing, and if He wants to use me, I gotta be willing.

So, here's to the kid who feels the call to preach, but everything they meant to say packs up and flies to Mars when they're handed the mic. Here's to the kid who feels the call to the missions field, but you're too shy to talk to your friends about God. Here's to the kid who wants to do something for God, but they're unsure where to start, or they feel held back.

Here's to the kids like me.

We're all in the same boat. Or at least, in the same fleet of boats, somewhere. We've all got questions. Doubts. Frustrations. But sometimes, God calls normal people like us to step outta the boat. Yeah, it takes a leap of faith, and yeah, there might be a storm going on around us. But dude. You can walk on water if He calls you out. Keep your eyes fixed on Him, and you won't sink.

Jesus called ordinary people to do extraordinary things, so that others could look at them and say, "The Lord is with them, He is doing these crazy things." I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's basically what they said, you know?

So you're called to preach. You're not gonna be an amazing preacher all at once. Just keep trying, keep praying, and keep speaking as the Lord leads ya.

So you're called to missions. Take the first step and talk to one of your friends who's hurting about the One who died for them. Start teaching a Bible Study.

So you want to do something for God and His Church? Be faithful. Be helpful. Serve people. Figure out your social skills. Love people. Pray. Ask. If you feel held back, trust your leaders, because they really do see a bigger picture than you do. Be a Christian, develop who you are, and for the love of all things holy, pray and get in tune with God. He always puts ya where you need to be.

And for everyone else who don't feel like they don't fit into any of those categories: Just keep praying and getting closer to God. If you're one of those people who doesn't feel called to preach, be a missionary overseas, or feel held back or unsure what to do, then God bless you and just keep praying, supporting your leaders, and being a good Christian. If all you're doing is cooking a meal, hosting a Bible Study, raising your kids in church, tryna be a light where you're at, staying unified with your pastor and leadership, whatever, then man, you don't know how much of a blessing you are. If all you do is wash dishes or help clean the bathrooms, or both, then dude, you are a rock star in God's eyes (and probably your pastor's and his wife's eyes too, because if nobody else does it, then they're the ones who do it).

And when things do get frustrating, you fail, you go up to speak and your mouth forgets how to form words and your mind forgets how to think in complete sentences, you get nervous about sharing the Gospel with your friends, or whatever, just remember: Not by your might, not by your power, but by the LORD'S Spirit, says God. You can conquer the world if you have Jesus on your side.

Love you guys. And happy Friday! :D Have a great weekend! God bless!

--Sonya :) <3

Dawn's Coming, Just Hold On a Little Longer

It's my last day of Spring Break. Youth Convention was absolutely amazing, mind-blowing, convicting, life-changing, challenging, all that jazz.

I laughed. I cried. I lost my voice. I challenged myself to do hard stuff. God help me.

Sometimes you do things that God told you to do that you don't completely understand. Sometimes it's fun and easy and exciting, like maybe you make your commitment a little bit stronger by reading your Bible more or praying more often.

And other times, it hurts. You do it, and the pain doesn't hit you until maybe later. You don't realize how much it hurts until you're all alone. And suddenly you're asking yourself, "Uh, wow, what did I do?" You say, or scream, "God, I did not sign up for this. I know I'm doing what You told me to do, but I thought it wasn't going to hurt this bad. I didn't sign up for this kind of pain. I didn't sign up to feel like a punching bag. I thought I prepped for this. I thought You said You'd help me through this, where are You?" and you're crying yourself to sleep yet again wondering why you allowed yourself to start something in the first place when you knew that if God ever called upon you to give it up it'd hurt even worse.

I think it's kind of appropriate, since today (or, I guess now, yesterday) was Easter, for a little reminder. God's been there. He knows where you're at, what you're feeling. Don't forget, He did kinda come to Earth, humble Himself by robing Himself in human flesh and dwell among His creation as a servant. He was humiliated to the uttermost that a human can be humiliated, falsely accused, beaten within an inch of His life, forced to carry His own torture device up a hill while His own people insulted and screamed at Him, then nailed through His hands and His feet to a cross that had splinters and jagged edges of wood piercing the already bloody, bruised, torn up flesh of His back. He hung there for a few hours, slowly suffocating and succumbing to the agonizingly horrendous amount of pain that the people He'd come to reconcile to Himself had inflicted on Him.

And He endured all of this without raising a single protest.

Why? Because He was thinking of the future. He was seeing a kid about 13 or 14 years old, depressed to the point of attempting suicide who decided to see if maybe there was a God instead of ending his life. He was looking ahead to someone who looks like they got everything together when in reality they fall apart as soon as they're alone to when they'd finally find an altar of prayer and repentance and break before Him. He was looking ahead to you, to when you'd decide to turn to Him. He shed His precious blood to bridge the gap between you in your broken state to Heaven. He wanted to give you a connection to Him, and He wants you to know you're not alone. He didn't leave you. He knows exactly what pain you're going through. He made sure He would so that He could identify with you, so that you'd know just how much you're loved.

He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to feel the same pain we do as humans living in a jacked up world. And He didn't make it jacked up, you and I did with the choices we made. He just made a way so that we could have a different way to live. Life's not easy no matter what way you live, whether it's in the world or following God. But even when it's hard, if you have God you at least have the knowledge that you can get through it.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm overemotional. Maybe it really does hurt and there really is nobody I can really turn to except for God to help me through the painful transitions that I'm going through. The fire still burns, the surgeon's knife still hurts, but at least I know the God of the fire and the Healer behind the knife. He knows what we can handle.

Tears endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning, right? The nights we go through may be long and hard, but dawn's coming. Just hold on, man, dawn's coming. No matter how dark it gets, just hold on, dawn will come. Dawn will come.

Love you guys. God bless.

--Sonya