Fiiiinaaallsss

Finals. Fiiiiinaalllssss. Fi. Nals. The dreaded word of every student. Quick question to the Harry Potter fans, in real life, which is scarier, the term 'Finals' or Voldemort? Which would you rather not be named?

With Finals Week comes all the stress that can give you ulcers and drives you to pull all-nighters trying to study those last few things so that you'll get a passing grade for a class you've either done fantastic in, or you're totally failing in.

If you can just get that last final done, you're home free for Christmas break. You can chill, sleep in, relax, and not think about school until the day before break ends. Hopefully you don't have homework over break.

But you're not done with Finals yet, so no celebrating yet.

With the stress also comes the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks. You start having thoughts of, "I'm not good enough," "I'm gonna fail no matter how hard I try," "I should just give up now," "My parents are gonna shoot me if I come home with a failing grade," "What's the point of this anyway?"

If you're like me, that kind of thought trail leads to a pretty messed up place. You're beyond tired now, you're exhausted. You're emotionally and physically drained, you have zero motivation to do anything anymore, and you just want to give up on life and take a hiatus for, well, ever. The future's pointless to look at because you're so bogged down in right now, you don't know how you'll survive, or if you're even worth it if you survive.

This is me, keeping it very real. This is the thought process I go through when I'm stressed out and barely holding it together. So, like, basically the place I've been returning to these past few weeks.

I'm surrounded by some of the most amazing people, and I've met some of the most amazing people on the face of the planet. Compared to them, I'm a candle, and they're everlasting supernovas. This candle's melting. The wax keeps dripping down, 'til, eventually, it's gonna run out, and the fire of the candle dies.

What do I even do for anyone? I'm selfish, an attention-seeker, a hypocrite, an introverted extrovert, I wanna punch some people in the face all the time, I get down on myself very easily because I'm too emotional, and the list goes on and on. I know I have a purpose and a destiny, but what's the point since I'm probably just gonna mess it all up anyways?

The point is, the people that I'll meet one day, the people that I already know, they rely on me, so I gotta keep going for them. They deserve a chance to make it.

But I don't want them believing a lie about me, that I've got it all figured out and I'm totally together. 'Cause I am totally not. I gotta figure this out, figure myself out.

So where's the balance? If I get so focused on trying to make it for other people, I'm still gonna get worn down and torn apart. It's a spiral down, either way. Focus too much on me, I'm messed up. Focus too much on other people, still get messed up. Gah.

The thing I realized is, first off, going to bed and sleeping off the bad day helps to reframe everything. When you're body's more rested, your mind's more rested, and you can look at things a bit more objectively. Secondly, I'm getting my degree so I can help other people, and the things I'm going through now, the stress and the pain and the mess, is so that I can learn to lean on Jesus more, rather than relying on myself. Ultimately, it's for His glory, it's because of His mercy and love that I can live and hope and try. The fire that I walk through, the crushing process that I'm in, is to purify and expunge the mess outta me so that I don't show off myself, but so I can reflect Him. A testimony is a powerful thing, and Revelation says that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and by the word of our testimony. I got the blood applied to my life, and when this test's over, I'm gonna have a testimony about how I thought I wouldn't make it, but God saw me through and I'm here today because of His goodness.

Thirdly, it is okay. Being stressed out, having a heart that's hurting for no reason, is okay. Pain means you're still alive. Pain means you're growing. Pain means you're trying. Frustration means you're trying. Failing means you tried, and if there's still breath in your body, it means you can try again. It means you made a mistake, you got some experience, and you can adapt, refine your strategy, and go after that boss monster again. You keep trying 'til you've defeated that test. You keep trying 'til you've killed that thing. You've got another chance from God, go try again.

Fourth, when you've hit a dead end, you feel like the walls are closing in around you and you have nowhere to go, cover your face with your hands and pray. Open up your Bible and read it, absorb that Word like your life depends on it. You've got a God who loves you and never leaves you. God is always listening. He's a very present help in trouble. He's a strong tower that you can run into and be safe. He's a provider, a protector, a healer, a deliverer, a saviour. He's there when no one else is, and if you're listening, He'll speak to you. He's a comforter, a counselor, the everlasting father, the mighty God, the Prince of Peace.

By the way, that word 'prince' doesn't mean like, 'prince' as in 'son of a king', it means 'ruler', 'captain', 'chief', 'lord', 'governor', 'principal', 'keeper', 'general'. You have chaos, He has peace. He will give you peace in your mind, spirit, body, if you go to Him. You're His child, of course He'll give you His peace.

To all of those who've finished their finals, yaaayyy go you!!! :) To all those who haven't yet, God bless you, I'm praying for ya, gan'batte!!! You're gonna do great. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Go knock 'em dead.

God bless you guys. Love ya. :) <3

--Sonya :) <3

The Real Reason for the Season

It's December. There is snow on the ground. It's pretty cold outside.

Yaaayyyyy. :D

Anyways. Who all's doing finals? It seems like everyone's freaking out about finals, staying up late studying for 'em, drinking more coffee, praying extra hard, not that they get an A in this class but that they pass it, stuff like that.

My finals are different from your finals, but I get the stress. I have two more courses to finish before I'm done with this semester, and I'm starting one of them next Monday. I'm gonna finish the other one next Wednesday, and then hopefully finish everything before Christmas break. *cue my own all-nighter*

So here's my question. Why is Christmastime always so stinkin' stressful? I always thought it was a time to have fun, be 'at peace' you know? That whole peace on Earth, goodwill to all men thing. All the lights, the glitz, the glamor, the Christmas plays, special music, trees, decorations, presents, it's all nice, but it's not about that. Christmas is about how the God who created everything came down to His creation in created form so that one day He could die for us. You can't talk about Christmas without mentioning the reason Christ came.

Mary probably did know. She was Jewish, she knew the prophecies of the Messiah. She probably knew that He'd one day die on a cross. But for a few short years, Jesus the Messiah was a baby, her baby.

I'm not dissing the decorations, the trees and all that wonderful stuff, I like getting presents and I like giving presents. I like looking at all the lights and the special music's pretty awesome. Christmas plays are epic too, I mean, my pastor's wife can't do a mediocre play, she always makes it spectacular.

All I'm saying is, instead of getting stressed out about the little details, think about why Jesus came. Think about the reason for the season. Think about why we hang up lights and decorate a tree and practice special music for a special service and memorize scripts and direct Christmas plays.

You are the reason He came. You were once lost, dead, dying, hurt, without hope. But now, you have a hope. You've been found. You died, and God gave you life. You were hurt, and He healed you. And even on your worst days, you still have an unreasonably strong hope that it's gonna get better, 'cause your hope's not found in the temporary things of this world, it's found in an everlasting God who loved you enough to pay the price and make a way for you to come to Him.

Love you guys. Merry Christmas! :)

--Sonya :) <3