More Thoughts of a Stressed Out, Procrastinating College Student

Soo I'm back. From Florida. Yuuppp. Back to real life, haha.

The waves, the baby sea turtles, the hanging out with family, the walking out of my room to find three extra kids in the living room almost every single day, man. We had a great time, I got a little bit of a tan, and we made some great memories.

I gotta admit, it was one tiring trip, too, but it was a nice break from reality in a way.

And now I'm back, I got tests to study for, decisions to make about which courses and tests to take (or drop, haha), not to mention church and singing and practicing and stuff like that.

Stressed? Yeah, I've learned to live with it. I know, I know, that's 'not a good thing to live with, I need to give it to God and let Him deal with my stress and just live very chill and not let anything get to me 'cause I gotta live by walking in His Spirit.'

All that jazz.

I get that I need to just 'give it to God'. But unfortunately, I'm not some kind of robot that takes orders without any thought. God gave me a brain, a life, and free will, so it's up to me what I do with it.

I've sorta had to learn the hard way that I can't be all things to all people. I can't be who you need me to be all the time. I can't be there all the time. There are some people that obviously I'll drop everything and run to help when they're in crisis, but there are others that I just can't.

You know why? Because they should know better by now. That, and it's not always appropriate. Like, I'm all for counseling/listening to a girl going through depression or just having a hard time in life, but if some guy says, "Hey I look up to you as a leader, therefore you should do X, Y, and Z," first off, that's just plain rude. Second, it's not your place. Third, is that even realistic? I've had it pretty great, good family, good church, good people to be around, but I know what it feels like to be used and manipulated and lied about. It hurts, man. Some people know why they got stabbed in the back, they can name every scar they've gotten and why it's there, I still have questions. To put it metaphysically, I look into myself, see scars and wounds and wonder why they got put there. I go through the whole, "Obviously I'm just a bad person who deserved it somehow, it's probably 'cause of that one day I just couldn't keep my mouth shut and flew off the handle, and so I'm being punished for it," or something stupid like that.

Truth is, it's not. I think God allows some things to happen that we don't understand, not because we deserve it, but because He knows we need to go through this refining process. He certainly didn't deserve the things that people did to Him, and He certainly didn't deserve the cross. So, in becoming like Christ, we go through things so that we can show people just how much God loves them, and loves us.

See, strength isn't about not breaking down. It's not about being able to carry the most. It's not about always having it together. It's not about repaying someone a hundredfold for hurting you.

Strength is about being broken, and continuing on. It's about getting stabbed, and coming back later to forgive that person who stabbed you. It's about being able to do the right thing when everyone else is doing the wrong thing and tryna get you to do it too.

I wouldn't say I'm a strong person. I break down pretty easily, I can be incredibly insecure, and I definitely don't have it all together. Just ask my best friends.

But because I know I'm not strong, I rely on Someone else to be my strength. I don't understand, but He does. I don't get it, but He does. I can't see, but He can. So, when I'm stabbed, when people turn on me, when I'm left alone, when I fall to pieces, I continue to live because I trust in a Higher Power that can repair the most broken of souls, purify the most corrupted of spirits, heal the sickest of bodies, and sees the beginning to the end.

He won't start something He's not gonna complete. You can believe that 'til the end.

So, 'giving it all to God' isn't just not worrying or thinking about your problems. You gotta deal with 'em, and you're gonna feel all stressed out. But you don't gotta do it by yourself. God'll talk to you about what to do, He'll lead you, sometimes He'll even take control and have you wondering how in the world you were able to deal with that crisis without freaking out. His hand's on your life. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be here.

Sooo to all of you going back to school, college, etc., the people who're already stressed out and barely hanging on by a thread, just know that it's not the end, and God's got a plan through all the junk and mess that you're going through. If nothing else, hang on to that.

Love you guys. God bless ya. :)

--Sonya <3

Update on Life #Idon'tevenknowwhatnumberanymorehaha

Here's an update on my life, for those who care: took a few weeks off of studying for college to focus on Bible Quizzing 'cause our coach totally cracked down on us and we basically entered a two-week pre-NABQT'16 boot camp. We tied 17th outta 54 teams, guys. So, basically we won 2 quizzes, lost the next 2, but ultimately did the best we could and that's all that matters. And on a high note, I answered the very last question of my very last quiz, and I got it correct, AND I outscored my genius-quizzer brother, AND I got a silver medal for the amount of points I scored.

Then, the Tuesday of NABQT'16 they had their annual Prayer and Share, which is basically where all the last-year quizzers get up and talk about what Bible Quizzing means to them and we thank more people than Paul did in Romans 16 (you think I'm kidding, I assure you, I'm not).

Long story short: lotsa tears, lotsa awesome testimonies, one guy got a standing ovation for his testimony 'cause MAN God's word is powerful and is a way out of the darkness that surrounds us, I did a Bible Quizzing parody of the Pokémon Season 1 theme song and totally forgot to thank everyone in my speech (sorry Mom, sorry Coach, sorry everyone else, I really do appreciate you all for everything you've done for me through Bible Quizzing the past 5 years and beyond),  it was awesome.

A lot of the last-years are high school graduates, about to be high school graduates, or already in college, so they've gone through some kind of graduation ceremony, I think. I've really never had any kind of graduation ceremony (and graduation from one Suzuki Violin book to the next doesn't count in my book). So, to be entirely honest, that night, I realized that wow, this is my graduation ceremony, and now I feel slightly aimless.

Bible Quizzing was, in all honesty, something I loved. I still love it, and you better believe I'm gonna help coach next quiz season. But it's kinda weird knowing I'm not gonna be memorizing 25+ verses each week, spending countless hours tryna make sure I got those verses down, quoting myself (or totally not quoting myself and putting it off until the week of the next tournament), and just doing the things you do as a quizzer. It's like, dude, one chapter of my life ended, this next one's beginning, and I don't know the name of the chapter or the theme, or how many chapters I have left.

It kinda freaks me out. Like, do I finish college and jump headfirst into ministry somewhere else, or do I test the waters out, go to Bible College, stay here and just try to hold down a job and save up money and eventually move out and stuff or what?

So many people have so many different answers. My best friend wants me to go to bible school with her down in St. Louis, another guy said I should go to this other Bible college in St. Paul, MN, one of my friends said I should just go to Bible college just so I get out of the nest and learn how to live on my own, I got people telling me I need to get a job and save up and move out next, I know I need to finish my BA, people want me to stay, people want me to go, and in the middle of all this, I'm just wondering, okay, what do I want and what does God want?

Two questions I need to keep thinking about. Obvs, some definite praying and fasting about these things specifically is gonna be happening in the near future. Time keeps moving forward, people keep moving forward, and I feel like I have three options: run for it, get swept up by it, or get left behind. Getting left behind is one of my biggest fears. Getting swept up by it is something that happens to me on a regular basis. Running for it... well, I stumble, fall flat on my face, panic 'cause I feel like I'm getting left behind, and then get swept up by it again.

Right now, though, I kind of feel like I'm a bystander. Watching everything happening, knowing I could probably do something to change something, not knowing what that something is, so I just keep watching, waiting.

I don't know. Sorry if I sound like a downer right now. It's a tangled mess in my mind. If any of you guys and girls got any insight, or ideas, or thoughts, or anything at all, feel free to comment. I'm tired, haha. Not sure if I'm just physically tired, or mentally tired, or spiritually tired, or a weird combo of all three. Anyways. There's the update on my life.

God bless you guys. Have a happy rest of your summer! Love ya! :) <3

--Sonya

P.S. Since I'm no longer a high school student, and haven't been for quite some time, I'm thinking of changing the name of this blog. Suggestions very welcome.

P.S. 2. I feel like I should mention that I started a wattpad. Name's Mysalia_Tor. I'll add a link to it later, or you can just search me up in the wattpad search box haha. If you'd like to see the random stuff I've been writing, you're free to look it up, comment suggestions, whatever you like. :)