Have you ever just had a rough day, where things started out okay and then life and reality just kinda came crashing down on you? Or have you ever had a series of bad days like that? Where you're buried under school work, you've got a test next week that you're probably not prepared for but you HAVE to take it or else you're gonna get behind, you've got extra curricular activities and obligations that can't be gotten out of because people are relying on you, you're extra emotional and stressed and stuff, and all you wanna do is curl up under your blankets and go to Narnia or battle the Covenant with only a pistol and an energy sword, or throw them both away and just shoot everything with a rocket launcher?
And people just really don't get it. Or if they do, they're like, "Well, when I was your age..." And you're just standing there like, "Seriously? You only had like, 3 major body systems to worry about, I have like, 8. (-_-)"
OR WORSE. They're just like, "Suck it up and get your emotions under control."
Like, "Dude, you're kidding, right?" *cue internal meltdown*
To be fair, it's not good to let your emotions get the best of you, and yeah, you can control them. But telling people to lighten up is not exactly the best way to go. Sometimes it can work, snap some sense into them, but other times, when people say, "Just slow down, it'll all be fine," well, I just wanna scream at them, "I CAN'T, IF I DO I'LL BE EVEN MORE STRESSED." Make sense?
I can't make everybody happy. It's either me or them now. And from the looks of it, it's gonna have to be them. I can lose a few days of sleep, get re-addicted to caffeine and whatever. I just don't wanna let people down, 'cuz everybody knows that feeling's worse than anything else.
Sometimes it's all you can do to just keep smiling and pretending you're okay when you feel like everything else is just a mess, that you're a mess, that you can't do anything right, even, no, especially the stuff you're normally so good at. Like, wait 'til you get alone in the shower (if you have time, of course) or when you're alone at night trying to study your brains out and finally have a mental breakdown and cry out all the frustration because you're not remembering simple facts you learned two hours ago.
Of course you can't tell anybody about all this. You don't wanna be a burden, or have them blow it all outta proportion worse than you do. So you just suffer quietly, praying that maybe one day you'll see the light after so much darkness, that maybe, just maybe, the storm will be over soon.
You're thinking, "This isn't what I signed up for. This isn't what I wanted. This isn't how it was s'posed to go." But that doesn't change the reality of what it is. It doesn't change how lonely and scared and hopeless you feel. It's like you're walking on thin ice, and one wrong step will cause everything to shatter to pieces. You already feel the icy cold water seeping through the cracks of the ice and into your old, ripped up, falling-apart boots as you keep going. You're beyond that "I think I can" attitude, now you're just hoping that you'll reach the shore before you fall through, 'cuz underneath all that ice is a cold, dark abyss that'll swallow you up, that you'll drown in and nobody will ever know.
Just keep your head up, love. It'll get better soon. You might not be able to tell when, and it may be a long time before it gets better. But it will get better, eventually. If you need to vent, then hey, the comments below are free and I'll listen, 'cuz I know what you're going through. Keep pushing, keep breathing, you'll make it, you'll be stronger for it, keep giving yourself dumb pep talks and just fake it 'til you make it.
And don't forget one last thing: When the walls are closing in around you, sometimes the only thing you can do is pray. It takes no effort at all to say, "God, I need help," and even if He doesn't magically dump all the knowledge you need for that final into your head, He'll make it easier, and hey, He might even calm the storm inside of your head. He wants to, I know that.
Thanks for listening, guys. <3
--Sonya
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