When you're about as fine as green coffee beans but you keep smiling. If you don't know what I'm talking about with the green coffee beans, go buy a bag of unroasted coffee beans and try chewing on one. You might break a tooth. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Easiest way to explain this feeling? I'm under a lot of pressure, again, and I'm not exactly handling it well. I have a Bible Quizzing tournament this Saturday, two +400 page textbooks I need to basically have memorized for their corresponding tests I have to take before April 24th, or else I'll have to take these $1000 equivalent courses.
But it's okay. I'll be okay. I promise. Nothing a good heart-to-heart conversation over Facebook with my BFFLAA 'Cassandra', a bit of 'vision-casting', shall we say, and some introspection and prayer can't fix.
I feel like, every now and again, I hit these walls, or cliffs, that I don't know how to climb over. I stare at them, try to jump over them, try to jump and grab the top, but I miss it over and over again and end up hitting the ground hard, lying on my back, all bruised up, weak and broken, dreams lying shattered at my feet and ideas as dead as flies that stink up the ointment in Ecclesiastes 10:1.
Look it up. Go ahead, I'll wait.
If you've read my previous posts, I think it's safe for you to assume that I'm good at falling into these 'pits of despair' and eventually figuring out how to get out of them. I can't write a sad song without ending it on a slightly hopeful note. I can't write a blog post without trying to be encouraging at some point. It's a cliche, I know, but there's already enough negativity in the world without me adding to it.
Man, that's a hard sentence to type and take in. It's that kind of thinking that can lead to suicide, or wanting to commit it. "Other people got it worse than I do." That doesn't solve the problem. You still feel like the scum of the earth, and remembering that other people have it way worse than you do doesn't help, in fact, it just makes you feel even lower because now you feel guilty about how bad you feel.
Take a deep breath. Now, just because you feel like the scum of the earth, like you're dung, or even lower than dung, that doesn't mean you don't have a purpose. Just because you don't know what your purpose is, that doesn't mean you don't have one. The scum of the earth has a very specific ecological niche, if you will, a very specific 'purpose' in the cycle of life. Scum cleans up and converts nasty junk into something that'll help our planet continue to survive. Dung, well, there's a reason farmers use manure to fertilize their fields. Dung helps things grow. Helps make the ground more fertile, so food can grow, so we can continue living, so the Earth can continue to thrive. Dung stinks, but it helps the most beautiful things to grow strong.
So if you feel like dung, maybe your purpose is to help other people to grow stronger, to grow into their own beautiful existences. If you feel like scum, maybe your job is to convert junk into something useful. You have a niche, even if you haven't figured out what it is. This wall that you've hit, this sheer cliff you're staring up at, will not confine you forever. It'll force you to get stronger so that one day, when you jump again, even if it's the umpteen-millionth time, your fingers will close around the side of that wall, the edge of that cliff, and you'll haul yourself up over the side of that obstacle that withstood you for so long, and you'll continue on to the next plain of the existence we call your life.
We're both staring those walls and cliffs down. And I've got faith that we'll slay them one day. And I mean slay them. You and I, we'll climb, we'll jump, we'll fall, we'll fail, we'll hurt, we'll cry, and we'll get back up and keep trying until we've finally made it. Don't give up. Don't quit. I believe in you. God believes in you. You're gonna make it through this, and overcome it so completely even you'll be surprised.
God bless ya. Have a good week. Love you guys. Fighting!
Oyasumi, min'na-san!
--Sonya :) <3
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